Learning to Stand Up

"I'm still learning to stand up for my family and what is right for me. On a message board today someone said this:

"I felt it was my responsibility to manage her emotions and her happiness. But you know what? It's not."

This is huge for me. I just need to tell myself this over and over!

And this is awesome:

"You are an adult and a mother. You aren't being arbitrarily cruel or mean. Your mom seems to want to make you feel like you are, but you aren't. Put your foot down firmly. You don't have to be angry. You don't have to get nasty. You just have to state - No. Baby is ready for bed and this isn't the time for cuddles. And then stop talking. You don't have to explain or justify or rationalize. At some other non-emotionally charged time (which will become emotionally charged ) you calmly state that holding the baby after smoking will not be done. She will get upset. You will acknowledge that she is upset and reiterate that holding the baby after smoking will not be done. Ask her if she is interested in your reasoning. If not, drop it. It actually doesn't matter at all why. You want to do her the courtesy of explaining, but if she doesn't want to know or doesn't care, fine.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to keep her happy and using tons of words to get her to agree with you. She doesn't have to agree. She doesn't have to like it. She CAN be mad. It is Ok and not the end of the world. Trust me on this.

At the end of the day, you deal with the fact that your child is having respiratory issues b/c you didn't hold firm to healthy boundaries. You deal with the fact that X happened b/c you didn't hold firm to Y boundary. Whatever X and Y are.

And setting your boundaries and sticking to them will get easier. It will. Practice. Practice. Practice. "
Mine's the exact same way. And this will be crass, and crude and hard, but it's time to grow a pair - and I mean that with love. 

Over Christmas mine was talking very badly about others using very harsh language. I simply said "Alright, that's enough about that" in a very easy-going, joking tone. To which she replied "Fine then. I just won't be here when you come over. I'll just never see my grand daughter since you don't want her around me." Because it was my fault that she was carrying on vulgarly around my little girl who is learning new words constantly. Yup, that's totally my fault.

Even with coming over - I requested that she not drink or smoke in our house/on our porch for dd's birthday party (I think that's a reasonable request). She promptly told me I needed to buy her a chair and put it out by the road so she could or she wouldn't come even though she feels so targeted. The stories could go on and on.

You gotta own your place in being a momma, momma! If you don't show her you're not going to budge, she'll keep pushing, I promise."


All of this is awesome advice!

Noise

Oh the woe!
Why is it so?
A lonely man once said,
One hundred 'round
Their voices sound
But not one in my head.

Copyright Aurian 2005

Notes: This poem was expressed during the group therapy that I didn't complete with GATS. At this point in my life I would say that I was extremely confused and lonely. I had gotten married but that didn't make me feel any better. I can look back and see that I was severely depressed, but I didn't even know what depression was. I can see that because of my severely dysfunctional family I had not separated from this dysfunction and found out who I really was. It is only recently that I have begun to get to know myself again, and love myself, and know that I am just right the way I am. I know that by being myself I am OK (even though it definitely causes friction in my family!)

I highly recommend GATS. It is not a Christian organization, but it is very good at what it does. Many famous people (including a member of my group!) have been through its doors for psychotherapy related to addictions, co-dependency and depression. The group therapy is fantastic, and you will meet some very real people - drug addicts, gamblers, prostitutes and the like. Many of the people in the group have trouble recovering because family members keep enabling their behaviour - lending them money to buy drugs, pay debts and gamble. I really admire the work they do, even though I wasn't in the right place to receive it at the time.

Remember Me

I say to God: What about all those things that need to be done?

The washing pile
The ironing too
Vacuuming and
Cleaning the loo

He says:

Make my heart your home
Let go of yours
I've got better things
Than mundane chores

In store for you
My precious child
Come to me
And sit a while

I'll send you out
To work for me
Even though
Your wage is free

Do my work
It's not a chore
I'll fill you up
To crave for more

Then simple things
Will bring you bliss
Those mundane jobs
You'll never miss

Because you'll love
To serve your kiing
Even if it's
Vacuuming

So give your all
Your hands and feet
Your eyes and lips
Body complete

Receive the gift
I give for free
So you can say
'Remember me'.

Copyright Aurian 2004

Notes: The last line is referencing Luke 23:42. I do not like this style of poetry at all. It has a very simplistic rhythm and message - there is no layering of themes or depth. However, I've included it on my journey to publish all my poems, though it may be one of the first to be scrapped when a larger compendium of better poetry as been collated.

Snowmen

We don't have snowmen
Too dry for wet men
Men who are weepy
Men who melt -
We only have hot men
Thirsty for women
Iced coffee not cola
Pain not felt.

Copyright Aurian 2010

Notes: This poem wasn't finished until this year. It is a reflection on Adelaide climate and culture and the stereotype of the 'Aussie bloke'.

Meccano

I had discovered my Dad's Meccano set, which even thirty years ago was highly valuable. I was fascinated by the novelty of it, despite the fact that I found it much more cumbersome to use than Lego. It was in this mindset of curiosity that I begged my Mum if I could play with it - she reluctantly agreed. I doubt that my Dad was even aware of the conversation.

At the time of this endeavour I had discovered a new 'cubby' that was unfortunately in a forbidden area of the farm. This new hidey-hole was under a big pine tree next to our dam. I had made many ventures here, and because of it's forbidden qualities it was a very mystical place. Looking back now, and having my own child, I can see the reasoning behind this restriction. No farming parents wants to have their child drown in the property dam. Nevertheless, I found the water fascinating and beautiful, the way every child likes a creek. I would often hop along it's banks under the pines, looking at the red dotted toadstools that sprang up after autumn rains. In spring the water was so low that the dams banks became like cliffs, and it's contents became a gluggy mess. It was at times like these that I would venture into the water in my rubber boots just to experience the feeling of 'being in it', only to find that I was suctioned to the bottom and sinking rapidly in the gluggy soup. I would become distraught with panic, fearing to call out for being reprimanded, and it was more than once that I left one boot behind to clamber up the shallow end of the bank, only to return to this escapade a few weeks later.

So I was excited to discover a pine tree with a cubby next to my favourite waterhole, and I decided to set up house there. I brought items that were of interest to me, and one of these, of course, was my Dad's Meccano set. I recall being immensely pleased with this setup, and I was careful to take great care of it, knowing the priveledge I had been bestowed to play with it. I became so involved in setting up my new home that I stayed outside well into tea-time, and was only brought back to reality when the bell rang for dinner.

This bell was installed electrically by my grandparents when the house was built. As a child I was fascinated by this 'technology' and would beg my Mum to let me press the bell and call the farmers in for lunch. The button looked like a 1970s light switch , and when pressed a horn like sound emanated outside the house and could be heard over the entire homestead block. On this particular evening under the pine I knew instantaneously that this bell was calling me for dinner, and I left my cosy retreat immediately without a thought but for my stomach. In doing this I entered into the whirlwind that was tea, bath and bed, and completely forgot the little metal set, much treasured, sitting out under the pines.

I did not think of it again the next day, nor the next. It must have been at least a week, maybe a month before it rained. And on this day my Dad asked me what had become of his beloved Meccano. Instantly I remembered, and a fearful dread came upon me. I didn't know exactly what could be wrong, but I knew that for some reason, much treasured Meccano sets did not belong under pine trees next to dams for extended periods. I cringed inwardly, I feared to speak. I vaguely recall telling my Mum so quietly, and her first response disregarding the Meccano, but aghast at the fact that I had made my residence next to the dam. For this I was reprimanded but felt no shame, the biggest blow coming from the disappointment and anger my Dad revealed when he returned with the Meccano. The rain and dew had created a pile of rusted, seized up metal, beyond recovery, whose only destiny remained the scrap metal pile outside my Dad's welding shed.

My apology sounded weak and ineffectual, despite it being heavy with the heartfelt grief of a child. His anger failed to subside and I felt the distance grow another inch. I shed many tears, not for the Meccano, but for myself, for he loved the Meccano more than me. My Dad had little tolerance for a child's wide eyed wonder, and the innocent mishaps of imaginary worlds.

Musing on the Duck

A duck lives on precious real estate - right on the lake, with it's own private mooring. It pays no rent and rests between the reeds. The sun peeks through every morning, and glistens. In the evening the bugs come out, and the duck glides around and feeds on the water, while the lake shimmers, orange. At night, it cuddles up safely with the other ducks to keep warm, and God protects it. The moon leaves a silver trail on the lake until the sun pokes it's warm fingers through the reeds and strokes each duck with a tender glaze. A duck must feel as if it lives in the most beautiful place in the whole world. Each day a new adventure, to splash about, or strolling for bugs. A duck is never stressed about finding food. It never worries about it's home. It is always living in the moment. A duck is happy. I am happy too because I am cared for and loved, even more than the duck.

Resolutions

1. I resolve to let go of the things in my life that are of little value, and that weigh me down. Instead I will focus my time, resources and gifts on those activities, people and things that I treasure most.

2. Each of my valued belongings to have a home that works.

3. Organized phone and contact systems for the people that matter most.

4. Money for things that matter most to us, for our gifts, safety, enjoyment, ethics and Isaac.

5. To instantly sort anything that comes into our home, or to not allow things that devalue us into our home at all eg junk mail.

6. Value myself, value my time. Realize that my time is precious. I can use it to really relax, and then to do things that I really value.

7. I am creating balance in my life. I have many aspects to my life that I need, and that I value.

• to have a special place of my own to be alone and create
• to feel relaxed and comfortable in my own home
• fun activities and sexual time with my husband
• quality time as a family
• care and love for my son
• letting my hair down with dear friends
• resources to enable me to look and feel good about myself
• a place to verbally express my difficulties and problems
• safe and mature worship environment
• time to talk with God and study his word
• support network of reliable family and friends

8. To quit multitasking, and live in the moment. To allow myself to enjoy and savour individual pleasures, tasks and experiences. To say yes to slow, and no to rushing. To get there early, and just enjoy the beauty before me as I wait.

9. To be grateful. Today I experienced the love of extended family, and the luxury and blessings of our middle class culture. I thank God for these things.

10. To volunteer in a passion. To let my talents be used t really make someone feel good.

11. To sign up for that course that I have been meaning to do for months! Just call and do it!

12. To keep doing the things that helped me get over the hardest year of my life.  See 7.

Just to love me.