Learning to Stand Up

"I'm still learning to stand up for my family and what is right for me. On a message board today someone said this:

"I felt it was my responsibility to manage her emotions and her happiness. But you know what? It's not."

This is huge for me. I just need to tell myself this over and over!

And this is awesome:

"You are an adult and a mother. You aren't being arbitrarily cruel or mean. Your mom seems to want to make you feel like you are, but you aren't. Put your foot down firmly. You don't have to be angry. You don't have to get nasty. You just have to state - No. Baby is ready for bed and this isn't the time for cuddles. And then stop talking. You don't have to explain or justify or rationalize. At some other non-emotionally charged time (which will become emotionally charged ) you calmly state that holding the baby after smoking will not be done. She will get upset. You will acknowledge that she is upset and reiterate that holding the baby after smoking will not be done. Ask her if she is interested in your reasoning. If not, drop it. It actually doesn't matter at all why. You want to do her the courtesy of explaining, but if she doesn't want to know or doesn't care, fine.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to keep her happy and using tons of words to get her to agree with you. She doesn't have to agree. She doesn't have to like it. She CAN be mad. It is Ok and not the end of the world. Trust me on this.

At the end of the day, you deal with the fact that your child is having respiratory issues b/c you didn't hold firm to healthy boundaries. You deal with the fact that X happened b/c you didn't hold firm to Y boundary. Whatever X and Y are.

And setting your boundaries and sticking to them will get easier. It will. Practice. Practice. Practice. "
Mine's the exact same way. And this will be crass, and crude and hard, but it's time to grow a pair - and I mean that with love. 

Over Christmas mine was talking very badly about others using very harsh language. I simply said "Alright, that's enough about that" in a very easy-going, joking tone. To which she replied "Fine then. I just won't be here when you come over. I'll just never see my grand daughter since you don't want her around me." Because it was my fault that she was carrying on vulgarly around my little girl who is learning new words constantly. Yup, that's totally my fault.

Even with coming over - I requested that she not drink or smoke in our house/on our porch for dd's birthday party (I think that's a reasonable request). She promptly told me I needed to buy her a chair and put it out by the road so she could or she wouldn't come even though she feels so targeted. The stories could go on and on.

You gotta own your place in being a momma, momma! If you don't show her you're not going to budge, she'll keep pushing, I promise."


All of this is awesome advice!

Noise

Oh the woe!
Why is it so?
A lonely man once said,
One hundred 'round
Their voices sound
But not one in my head.

Copyright Aurian 2005

Notes: This poem was expressed during the group therapy that I didn't complete with GATS. At this point in my life I would say that I was extremely confused and lonely. I had gotten married but that didn't make me feel any better. I can look back and see that I was severely depressed, but I didn't even know what depression was. I can see that because of my severely dysfunctional family I had not separated from this dysfunction and found out who I really was. It is only recently that I have begun to get to know myself again, and love myself, and know that I am just right the way I am. I know that by being myself I am OK (even though it definitely causes friction in my family!)

I highly recommend GATS. It is not a Christian organization, but it is very good at what it does. Many famous people (including a member of my group!) have been through its doors for psychotherapy related to addictions, co-dependency and depression. The group therapy is fantastic, and you will meet some very real people - drug addicts, gamblers, prostitutes and the like. Many of the people in the group have trouble recovering because family members keep enabling their behaviour - lending them money to buy drugs, pay debts and gamble. I really admire the work they do, even though I wasn't in the right place to receive it at the time.

Remember Me

I say to God: What about all those things that need to be done?

The washing pile
The ironing too
Vacuuming and
Cleaning the loo

He says:

Make my heart your home
Let go of yours
I've got better things
Than mundane chores

In store for you
My precious child
Come to me
And sit a while

I'll send you out
To work for me
Even though
Your wage is free

Do my work
It's not a chore
I'll fill you up
To crave for more

Then simple things
Will bring you bliss
Those mundane jobs
You'll never miss

Because you'll love
To serve your kiing
Even if it's
Vacuuming

So give your all
Your hands and feet
Your eyes and lips
Body complete

Receive the gift
I give for free
So you can say
'Remember me'.

Copyright Aurian 2004

Notes: The last line is referencing Luke 23:42. I do not like this style of poetry at all. It has a very simplistic rhythm and message - there is no layering of themes or depth. However, I've included it on my journey to publish all my poems, though it may be one of the first to be scrapped when a larger compendium of better poetry as been collated.

Snowmen

We don't have snowmen
Too dry for wet men
Men who are weepy
Men who melt -
We only have hot men
Thirsty for women
Iced coffee not cola
Pain not felt.

Copyright Aurian 2010

Notes: This poem wasn't finished until this year. It is a reflection on Adelaide climate and culture and the stereotype of the 'Aussie bloke'.

Meccano

I had discovered my Dad's Meccano set, which even thirty years ago was highly valuable. I was fascinated by the novelty of it, despite the fact that I found it much more cumbersome to use than Lego. It was in this mindset of curiosity that I begged my Mum if I could play with it - she reluctantly agreed. I doubt that my Dad was even aware of the conversation.

At the time of this endeavour I had discovered a new 'cubby' that was unfortunately in a forbidden area of the farm. This new hidey-hole was under a big pine tree next to our dam. I had made many ventures here, and because of it's forbidden qualities it was a very mystical place. Looking back now, and having my own child, I can see the reasoning behind this restriction. No farming parents wants to have their child drown in the property dam. Nevertheless, I found the water fascinating and beautiful, the way every child likes a creek. I would often hop along it's banks under the pines, looking at the red dotted toadstools that sprang up after autumn rains. In spring the water was so low that the dams banks became like cliffs, and it's contents became a gluggy mess. It was at times like these that I would venture into the water in my rubber boots just to experience the feeling of 'being in it', only to find that I was suctioned to the bottom and sinking rapidly in the gluggy soup. I would become distraught with panic, fearing to call out for being reprimanded, and it was more than once that I left one boot behind to clamber up the shallow end of the bank, only to return to this escapade a few weeks later.

So I was excited to discover a pine tree with a cubby next to my favourite waterhole, and I decided to set up house there. I brought items that were of interest to me, and one of these, of course, was my Dad's Meccano set. I recall being immensely pleased with this setup, and I was careful to take great care of it, knowing the priveledge I had been bestowed to play with it. I became so involved in setting up my new home that I stayed outside well into tea-time, and was only brought back to reality when the bell rang for dinner.

This bell was installed electrically by my grandparents when the house was built. As a child I was fascinated by this 'technology' and would beg my Mum to let me press the bell and call the farmers in for lunch. The button looked like a 1970s light switch , and when pressed a horn like sound emanated outside the house and could be heard over the entire homestead block. On this particular evening under the pine I knew instantaneously that this bell was calling me for dinner, and I left my cosy retreat immediately without a thought but for my stomach. In doing this I entered into the whirlwind that was tea, bath and bed, and completely forgot the little metal set, much treasured, sitting out under the pines.

I did not think of it again the next day, nor the next. It must have been at least a week, maybe a month before it rained. And on this day my Dad asked me what had become of his beloved Meccano. Instantly I remembered, and a fearful dread came upon me. I didn't know exactly what could be wrong, but I knew that for some reason, much treasured Meccano sets did not belong under pine trees next to dams for extended periods. I cringed inwardly, I feared to speak. I vaguely recall telling my Mum so quietly, and her first response disregarding the Meccano, but aghast at the fact that I had made my residence next to the dam. For this I was reprimanded but felt no shame, the biggest blow coming from the disappointment and anger my Dad revealed when he returned with the Meccano. The rain and dew had created a pile of rusted, seized up metal, beyond recovery, whose only destiny remained the scrap metal pile outside my Dad's welding shed.

My apology sounded weak and ineffectual, despite it being heavy with the heartfelt grief of a child. His anger failed to subside and I felt the distance grow another inch. I shed many tears, not for the Meccano, but for myself, for he loved the Meccano more than me. My Dad had little tolerance for a child's wide eyed wonder, and the innocent mishaps of imaginary worlds.

Musing on the Duck

A duck lives on precious real estate - right on the lake, with it's own private mooring. It pays no rent and rests between the reeds. The sun peeks through every morning, and glistens. In the evening the bugs come out, and the duck glides around and feeds on the water, while the lake shimmers, orange. At night, it cuddles up safely with the other ducks to keep warm, and God protects it. The moon leaves a silver trail on the lake until the sun pokes it's warm fingers through the reeds and strokes each duck with a tender glaze. A duck must feel as if it lives in the most beautiful place in the whole world. Each day a new adventure, to splash about, or strolling for bugs. A duck is never stressed about finding food. It never worries about it's home. It is always living in the moment. A duck is happy. I am happy too because I am cared for and loved, even more than the duck.

Resolutions

1. I resolve to let go of the things in my life that are of little value, and that weigh me down. Instead I will focus my time, resources and gifts on those activities, people and things that I treasure most.

2. Each of my valued belongings to have a home that works.

3. Organized phone and contact systems for the people that matter most.

4. Money for things that matter most to us, for our gifts, safety, enjoyment, ethics and Isaac.

5. To instantly sort anything that comes into our home, or to not allow things that devalue us into our home at all eg junk mail.

6. Value myself, value my time. Realize that my time is precious. I can use it to really relax, and then to do things that I really value.

7. I am creating balance in my life. I have many aspects to my life that I need, and that I value.

• to have a special place of my own to be alone and create
• to feel relaxed and comfortable in my own home
• fun activities and sexual time with my husband
• quality time as a family
• care and love for my son
• letting my hair down with dear friends
• resources to enable me to look and feel good about myself
• a place to verbally express my difficulties and problems
• safe and mature worship environment
• time to talk with God and study his word
• support network of reliable family and friends

8. To quit multitasking, and live in the moment. To allow myself to enjoy and savour individual pleasures, tasks and experiences. To say yes to slow, and no to rushing. To get there early, and just enjoy the beauty before me as I wait.

9. To be grateful. Today I experienced the love of extended family, and the luxury and blessings of our middle class culture. I thank God for these things.

10. To volunteer in a passion. To let my talents be used t really make someone feel good.

11. To sign up for that course that I have been meaning to do for months! Just call and do it!

12. To keep doing the things that helped me get over the hardest year of my life.  See 7.

Just to love me.

Barbie Illusion

As a little girl my Mum and Dad would often go out for dinner parties at other people's houses. I wasn't aware of their physical destinations, but I did know that they often socialized with couples on neighbouring farms. Today these homesteads stand empty as farms have grown bigger to stay viable, therefore losing the healthy socialization that existed through to the end of the 1980s (though many families still had emotional and mental health issues because of social stigmas).

Rarely, but on this occasion, my parents would take me with them at night. One particular evening we were visiting the Simpson's farm, and I was overwhelmed with the toys that the two daughters (Carole and JulieAnne) owned. My initial instinctive reaction was to feel completely overwhelmed, even sickened, despite the age of my small brain. But then I considered - I had toys at home, and was even blessed with a playroom, but these girls had lots of everything! Envy and jealousy grew. I wondered 'Why do we have so little? Are we poor?' Truthfully I had enough, but I was comparing myself, instead of being content with who I was and what I had.

So I sat in this toy filled room, and played with their collection of Barbie dolls, in particular their Barbie doll accessories. These girls had a basket full of accessories, and I felt so small, remembering the few changes of clothes that I had for my own dollies. I didn't know exactly what I wanted, but I wanted this. This feeling of luxurious excess, the feeling that I was important because I had stuff. My desire and inadequacy was driving me to act, and I conceived to take something from the stash, arguing that they wouldn't even know the difference. A pair of plastic green boots looked appealing, and as we were called from the room I took them and held them in my little paw. I remember holding them so tight in the car on the way home, a feeling of excited satisfaction that I had managed to be a part of what they had.

Of course afterwards I was overwhelmed with shame and guilt, and I dared not tell my parents (who I predict would have overreacted, rather than simply sitting down and discussing with a little girl about how sometimes we have feelings of envy that make us want things of others). I tried those boots on my barbie, and they looked fantastic, but I had lost all good feeling for them. I could not figure out why I was not feeling that same state of luxury now that I had the boots, as I had when in the midst of Carole and JulieAnne's toyfest. And every time I looked at those boots I could not help but think of how I had stolen them, and how I knew that stealing was wrong, and feeling annoyed that I couldn't enjoy them because of it. Reluctantly I stashed those boots away, not wanting to even look at them. And many years later my sister played with those boots and asked me about them, and it reminded me of how I had wanted to fit in, even as a little girl, all those years ago.

Drinkies!

Oh, the joyful joy of drinkies with dear friends!

The relaxing shove I needed back into the land of the living, verdant soul restored.

Talk and talk, laugh and love, a veritable hug in a bubbling glass.

Drinkies, bring on more drinkies. The feeling that I'm me and more, not (just) a mother!

Oh, it's non-alcoholic, if you're wondering...who needs alcohol when you've got friends?

Just a regular Thursday

I thought it might help me feel a bit better if I wrote down all the medium sized things that I have achieved today. I felt overwhelmed in my mind, so if I can actually see that I am doing something I'll feel a whole lot better!

• 2 loads of washing, 1 load of nappies
• walked and posted a letter and looked at tractors mowing with Isaac
• spent some time organizing finances on the phone (ran out of money again!)
• tied up, removed infested fruit and watered vegies
• fed Isaac 2 meals and a snack
• had a shower and got dressed
• sent email to council regarding land development for community garden
• still feeling overwhelmed - mostly about finances!

See, the problem isn't that we don't have enough money, or that we are not organized - far from it - we have never been this organized and that's the problem! Jeremy and I have always 'winged' it. We've always assumed (rightly or wrongly) that there would be money in our account when we needed it, and have paid bills and bought things as they have come along.

Now, in my wisdom (or not) I have set up an account for paying bills, that has an amount transferred to it every time Jeremy gets paid, and we pay all our bills out of this account. We also set up an amount to be transferred into an investment account. Now with both of those things happening we actually (for the first time) need to be on a budget with the leftover money and we're not used to it! It really is nothing to complain about - we are very blessed indeed to have surplus funds, and I thank God for it. I am hoping the path we have chosen is his will, and that we are better stewards of our money now than before.

Separation Anxiety

I took Isaac with me to the gym today but it didn't go so well.

I started telling myself negative thoughts when I realised that I forgot to pack his nappies. Then, when I was on the treadmill I realised that I hadn't brought my drink bottle or my cloth into the gym with me - that they were in the bag in the creche. How could I forget those things? We have been out of our normal routine in regards to going to the gym, but it really put a low spin on me, and I started comparing myself to the other mums that were there, even though I know this won't help me! The only person who is like me, is me, so comparing myself to others won't do me any good.

Anyway, I finished going on the treadmill, and I just felt flat. I went upstairs to use the ladies gym, and I just felt so lethargic, like I couldn't be bothered exercising, and I have these thoughts in my head at present that say 'What's the point? You know you aren't going to be able to lose weight anyway.' Of course this is mostly a lie, but I am simply remembering how hard I worked at losing weight a couple of years ago, and how I just kept putting the weight on instead.

So I left the workout area feeling disappointed in my fitness, and with a hopeless outlook, only to go back to the creche to find that Isaac had been upset the majority of the 45 minutes. As soon as I saw him I could tell that he was really emotionally distraught, and he was just sitting outside by himself next to the pram with a teddy. I couldn't believe I had let this happen to him. Common sense could have prevailed when I first left him, as his usual carers weren't there - we hadn't met these ladies before at all. And to top it off, I didn't have the guts to ask why they didn't come and get me if they couldn't settle him. Then I just felt really low, like all the work I have done in counseling, psychological sessions and improving my mental health has all been for nothing, because I couldn't even stick up for my own son after 10 years of therapy.

It was a real low point today, and I cried when I got home. I don't know what to do to help myself through this - the unfitness, overweight, lack of confidence and inability to be assertive, or to think of what to say. I've tried so hard to change myself and it feels like I am back at square one again.

I just want God to pour his living water over me, and help me to live again, like he did with the woman at the well who had 5 husbands! I am just like her, doing the same thing over and over, and getting nowhere. I need that living spring to well up deep inside of me to sustain me and refresh me anew. (See John 4)

Journey

I met Sam today. He has a lovely heart.

New mood

I'm not feeling myself this afternoon. Part of it is the book I purchased, Deep Economy. The issues are important and relevant but I feel overburdened to take on the issues of changing my community, when I am still dealing with simply changing my own moods. I find it very difficult that it is taking so long to feel better most of the time - I just want to get on with changing the world! I feel paralyzed by the monstrosity of it all. Sometimes thinking small really helps, but other times I can end up overanalyzing things. But then when I think bigger, to bigger goals, tasks and to the future I end up completely overwhelmed and unsure where to go.

I also feel lonely right now. I am loving the Journey, and am really feeling at home there, but I am still establishing friendships and meeting people. We have been invited to two events with couples, but haven't yet attended them, so it is a sort of social limbo. I know that I am making friends, but they aren't quite there yet.

Still catching up with old friends but nothing exciting recently. Know that God's got it all sorted.

Belated Wedding Anniversary Getaway

Last night Jeremy and I had an absolutely fantastic 24 hours away from Isaac! It was the first time that we had been alone together for this long in 16 months. It was better than I could have ever expected.

We stayed at the Adelaide InterContinental (formerly the Hyatt). We booked our tickets through wotif. We got a fairly good deal. You can save yourself about $50 by booking about a week in advance. If you book too far ahead the rates may still drop, but if you leave it to only a few days before you can miss out on extra cheap rates. Idea: We could stay in a 2 1/2 star hotel every night booking through wotif for less than the cost of our mortgage! I think I would rather stay in our "own" hotel though...

We dropped Isaac off at "Nanna and Pa's house" and then we drove to the city. We parked next to Rymil park and took some lovely photos of ourselves using the timer on my new camera.

Our car was valet parked ($27!) which was convenient, though I could have parked it myself. I wonder if we could leave it in the parking station across the road next time? This was the first trip away that we brought only one suitcase, and it was absolutely fantastic. It is on wheels, and it was so easy to bring up to the room. We didn't need as much space as it provided but it made packing much easier!

Ceiling fan in Eros

Eros ceiling detail - I love the hearts!

We arrived in the city well before check-in time and parked on Pirie Street along Rymill Park.We had a relaxing walk through the park and took a couple of photos using my new camera (yey!). On Rundle Street we ate lunch at Eros. This restaurant is fantastic, especially if you love Greek food, which I do. The atmosphere is very european, and I love the chairs in this place - I am sure they must be imported. The food was divine, and I drank my first glass of wine in two and a half years! I had another:)

I guided Jeremy into the Mary Martin Bookshop, and purchased another book that fits my alternative values. This time it was Deep Economy by an American author. It's quite wordy, and I find that he does not spend enough time on one area - it seems to jump around - an obvious problem when such a long book has only five chapters. However, the anecdotal style that I enjoy and the issues it covers, such as unsustainable growth and the value of local community systems are dear to my heart.

Art glass in the InterContinental foyer

When we arrived at the hotel our car was valet parked and we relaxed in our room. Of course the first thing we did was check out the bathroom, bed, cupboards etc. We ate a chocolate bar from the Mini Bar (I think it was $5), and then we relaxed with our reading material until I left for my massage. Both of us had 1 hour massages booked in the lovely room downstairs outside the gym. It wasn't as good as the massage I had their last time, and I had a different masseuse, but I still thoroughly enjoyed it. I was feeling a bit giddy about how fantastic our trip was going at this point, and I often thought of Isaac - but not that often!

Our dinner was booked in for 8pm, so we had a bit of free time that was spent showering, reading and eating a room service toasted sandwich (delicious - food always tastes better when someone else makes it). I loved flopping about in the fluffy robes, even though I was wearing it over my clothes - and it was 39 degrees outside! Before dinner we had a drink in the Atrium bar. I felt very high class drinking in there, especially as our drinks were $10 each! This was the only purchase in the hotel that I thought was not worth the money. Mostly because I ordered a red wine spritzer, and I have gone off red wine lately. I think I drank about $2.50:)

Little Japanese jug with soy sauce - note the grill in the background

One of my favourite parts of the entire trip was the restaurant, Shiki. First off, the entrance to the restaurant is like walking into a Japanese garden. We were led to an octagonal table (everything in the hotel is octagonal!)  that seated about 8 people, and had an enormous flat grill in the middle, behind which the chef was cooking. It was absolutely amazing being able to watch the chef cook our food, and talk to him at the same time. He even explained everything that he was about to cook, and did it all with two spatulas that he was chopping and swishing like crazy. It was so relaxing to be eating and entertained at the same time.

Jeremy playing at the Atrium

At this point we were both pretty tired and we started bickering about Jeremy playing the grand piano in the bar. I was thinking Pretty Woman! I couldn't believe it when Jeremy agreed and the barman said he could actually play! He played for about 15 minutes - one composition he made up on the spot, another was a jazzy piece that he has written, and then he played a worship song. It was simply amazing. And I really did want to make love to him after that, my dream man. Unfortunately Jeremy is not a millionaire and couldn't ask the people in the bar to leave, so we retired to our room and went to sleep instead!

King Henry VIII - I wondered why this looked familiar - I remembered the clothes from The Other Boleyn Girl, played by Eric Bana

In the morning we slept in until 8. What a luxury! And then we discovered we had run out of money:) This is what happens when you live like rich people but you aren't. Well, in comparison to millionaires. So we opted for a toast and muffin breakfast instead of the full buffet, but was still completely enjoyable. After breakfast we made our way on the free 99C bus up North Terrace to the Art Gallery. Here Jeremy ran into a lady who lives around the corner from us and is the Volunteer Coordinator for the gallery. She gave us free passes to see the exhibition of the works of John Brack. It was absolutely fantastic, and definitely worth the $28 you would normally pay for two to see it. I loved his paintings of his children, and his later works that make fantastic comments on society. He also captures the spirit of Australia in the 1950s, with images of housing, families, businesses etc. Viewing art really refreshes my spirit.

It was the best 5th year wedding anniversary celebration ever, despite the fact that it was a year and 4 months late!