I used the treadmill at the gym for 45 minutes this morning. This is the first time in my life, ever, that I done something simply because it makes me feel good. Every time I have chosen to do an activity in the past, such as exercise there has been another motive e.g. to lose weight, to get fit. And to exercise only because it feels good - now that is a wonderful feeling!
Toddler went in the creche again, and he was fine. And that makes me feel good too. That I have been brave enough to leave him there for an hour, and he survived. I am getting braver.
Last night Toddler was dedicated at our church, and it was wonderful. I barely slept at all due to the thoughts running through my head - mostly to do with what other people thought of the service. The experience has given me confidence in myself as we stuck with what we believed and didn't give in to peer pressure. When I do what I really want and what I believe in, my confidence grows and I feel happy and content.
30.11.09
29.11.09
Visualization
An exercise that I came up with this morning seemed to work quite well at relaxing me and slowing down my thoughts. I laid on the bed and visualized that my thoughts were floating out of my head like steam. If I opened my mouth I could see the sentences, words and letters rising upwards and evaporating. If unwanted thoughts came into my head I allowed them to immediately flow out of my mind. My breathing slowed down and I found myself calm and relaxed.
It is great that I am slowly learning how to calm down, but unfortunately when I leave the solitude of relaxation and return to the real world I am still unable to manage the overstimulation of daily living without feeling mentally paralyzed and overwhelmed.
It is great that I am slowly learning how to calm down, but unfortunately when I leave the solitude of relaxation and return to the real world I am still unable to manage the overstimulation of daily living without feeling mentally paralyzed and overwhelmed.
28.11.09
Mirrors
Today I wrote an affirmation on our ensuite mirror with a whiteboard marker. It was amazingly powerful. I wrote it in my own handwriting (one mental recollection), then repeated it out loud whilst looking at myself (many recollections). It made me smile and feel strong again. I even danced a little jig! I recommend this healing technique for anyone.
I also bought myself a new wallet today - I find that fixing little things that bother me (such as the fact I couldn't keep coins in my wallet because the clasp was broken) make me feel a lot better. It will save me a lot of time and stress. Just have to keep Toddler out of it - he can have the old one!
I also bought myself a new wallet today - I find that fixing little things that bother me (such as the fact I couldn't keep coins in my wallet because the clasp was broken) make me feel a lot better. It will save me a lot of time and stress. Just have to keep Toddler out of it - he can have the old one!
27.11.09
I disagree with Louise L. Hay's spiritual beliefs, but I am currently perusing her book I can do it!: how to use affirmations to change your life, Hay House, 2004. I am choosing to teach myself new thoughts, and one way of doing this is by learning affirmations. An affirmation, in my own words, is simply a positive sentence that I can teach myself to change my thoughts and beliefs. I came across one today that resonated with me:
I have a wonderful lover, and we are both happy and at peace.
I have been thinking about Lover today, because I have been thinking about sex. Since starting my medication to treat my depression, I haven't been able to achieve orgasm. I know it's simply a side effect, but it has started to play on my mind. When I read this affirmation, I felt at peace. It reminded me that we are still lovers, regardless of the outcome, and that sex is much more than a destination. I am slowly learning to live my life in the moment, and embrace the journey.
I have a wonderful lover, and we are both happy and at peace.
I have been thinking about Lover today, because I have been thinking about sex. Since starting my medication to treat my depression, I haven't been able to achieve orgasm. I know it's simply a side effect, but it has started to play on my mind. When I read this affirmation, I felt at peace. It reminded me that we are still lovers, regardless of the outcome, and that sex is much more than a destination. I am slowly learning to live my life in the moment, and embrace the journey.
26.11.09
Exercise
Managed about 30 minutes of exercise on the treadmill at Benefitness. Toddler was in the creche and my exercise was broken into segments due to checking on him regularly (it was his first time). It was difficult to turn off the busy thoughts in my mind whilst exercising - whether Toddler would be OK, and feeling pressure to "hurry up and exercise" because of the limited time. Despite this, I did feel better after exercising - more energetic, relaxed and happy that I did something for myself. I also realized that most of my anxiety was based on my own personal fears of leaving Toddler, when in reality he was fine. I would like to change these thoughts.
Reflecting on this experience I realized that part of my fears are based on the possiblity that he may really not want to be there, and what if he remembers that I left him somewhere, and he is genuinely traumatized by it? I would like to challenge these thoughts as well. My husband suggested that I need to live my life, and that sometimes Toddler is going to have to do things that he doesn't want to. I can see that these comments are catastrophic thinking, and over-thinking of the situation.
Details for the Benefitness creche:
When I used the creche today there were only two carers - Jenny? and Jodie? (unsure of spelling). It costs $2 for any length of time during opening hours. You pay at the Benefitness front desk and they give you a receipt to take into the creche. Inside, you sign in, in the book provided. The children are given informal name tags using masking tape and texta, that are also put on their bags. Jodie encourages parents to leave as soon as possible so the children don't think you are staying. I stayed with Toddler for about 20 minutes to ensure that he was settled in. Note that some of the toys were broken and could pose a safety hazard, and no mention was made for children to wear hats outside.
You can peruse the membership and casual visit fees for Benefitness on their pricing1.pdf
I visited as a casual to Benefitness, so including the creche it was $14. To save money, I could buy a 10 visit pass for $90. Over 10 visits this would save me $30! For a chance to get some time out, and Toddler cared for, $11 per visit (including creche) seems reasonable.
Reflecting on this experience I realized that part of my fears are based on the possiblity that he may really not want to be there, and what if he remembers that I left him somewhere, and he is genuinely traumatized by it? I would like to challenge these thoughts as well. My husband suggested that I need to live my life, and that sometimes Toddler is going to have to do things that he doesn't want to. I can see that these comments are catastrophic thinking, and over-thinking of the situation.
Details for the Benefitness creche:
Crèche
Children aged between 6 weeks and school age are well catered for between the hours of 9.00am and 11.30am Monday to Fridays.
The crèche boasts an indoor and outdoor area for the children to enjoy with a large selection of toys and activities.
Three carers are constantly supervising the children so you can relax and enjoy your workout at.
When I used the creche today there were only two carers - Jenny? and Jodie? (unsure of spelling). It costs $2 for any length of time during opening hours. You pay at the Benefitness front desk and they give you a receipt to take into the creche. Inside, you sign in, in the book provided. The children are given informal name tags using masking tape and texta, that are also put on their bags. Jodie encourages parents to leave as soon as possible so the children don't think you are staying. I stayed with Toddler for about 20 minutes to ensure that he was settled in. Note that some of the toys were broken and could pose a safety hazard, and no mention was made for children to wear hats outside.
You can peruse the membership and casual visit fees for Benefitness on their pricing1.pdf
I visited as a casual to Benefitness, so including the creche it was $14. To save money, I could buy a 10 visit pass for $90. Over 10 visits this would save me $30! For a chance to get some time out, and Toddler cared for, $11 per visit (including creche) seems reasonable.
25.11.09
Beginnings
While toddler was having his midday nap I worked on the settings for this blog. It was much more involved than I anticipated. I got as far as the Comments bar in the Settings tab. I can tell from listening to my body that I've had enough today.
17.11.09
Day Off
Isaac is at his Nanna and Pa's house today. I didn't know what to do so I went to the library, and now I am having fun blogging etc. I am looking forward to starting my real blog - the blog that is not just about my writing, but about my success and failure as a person. I feel good doing some writing - actually it's REALLY fun. I love researching things and comparing things and getting the best of the best and comparing (ethics wise) but it is a LOT of work and requires hours of research just for one product. It seems like a mammoth job just for one person alone so I am not sure that I want to do it all by myseld. I am not even sure that is what God wants me to do at all. I know that God wants me to do SOMETHING and I know that Isaac is going to be my little tag along teamster, but I am not sure how that will pan out generally. It will be fun just me and him hanging out. Sometimes I think that what I really want to do is have my own business (my favourite subject at uni was Entrepreneurship) but I don't know how to translate that into a business and I don't know how to translate that into something that has God's blessing. I mean, surely selling stuff for the sake of selling it can't have God's blessing? I looked through the list of Millionaire jobs and they are all so big, like Owner, Wholesaler, Distrobutor, Manager, Manufacturer - as in most of them sound like university qualification type jobs. How is that going to work out for me? Although there is Author- Fiction, but I don't really write fiction (I notice there is no poet:) And then I found this website of a mum who runs her own business and volunteers for an organisation to teach her kids stuff! Oh boy.
But Dr. Millington told me, don't be so hard on yourself, be gentle - take it SLOW!
But Dr. Millington told me, don't be so hard on yourself, be gentle - take it SLOW!
11.11.09
Depression
Today has been an OK day for me. I stayed in bed until 11am, while my husband took the day off work and looked after Isaac. It was very good for me to have that rest, and to allow myself to have it. I thank God that he has given me such a loving husband who tries his best for us. At this point I feel overwhelmed with managing my depression and looking after my son at the same time. As he gets older he will be more self-sufficient - he will be able to feed himself and go to the toilet. But that is years away.
I know that I need some time daily rest and daydream. At present, it is my trip to Melbourne that is making me feel ill. I keep telling myself that it is only another month and half to get through before it is over, but that is a long time, and I am afraid I will feel worse. My main concern is that I will forget something or fail someone, and then they will think "she really doesn't have it all together". I can just take each minute and hour at a time, and then that will be a good place to begin.
I know that I need some time daily rest and daydream. At present, it is my trip to Melbourne that is making me feel ill. I keep telling myself that it is only another month and half to get through before it is over, but that is a long time, and I am afraid I will feel worse. My main concern is that I will forget something or fail someone, and then they will think "she really doesn't have it all together". I can just take each minute and hour at a time, and then that will be a good place to begin.
6.11.09
Nappies
Isaac wears Bumgenius nappies.
He wears the Organic All In One one size nappy. It takes a long time to dry (2 days) but it absorbs more moisture than the 3.0. If he is wearing a 3.0 I need to change him more often. My nappies are nearly carbon neutral because I have bought 80% of them secondhand - no new nappies were manufactured for 6 of his nappies.
He wears the Organic All In One one size nappy. It takes a long time to dry (2 days) but it absorbs more moisture than the 3.0. If he is wearing a 3.0 I need to change him more often. My nappies are nearly carbon neutral because I have bought 80% of them secondhand - no new nappies were manufactured for 6 of his nappies.
3.11.09
Gym Style Activities for Toddlers
Are you within walking distance? Get some exercise, save money and pollution.
Suggested age: 0-5 Years
Turramurra Junior-Gym
1000 Lower North East Road
Highbury 83977433
Sessions:
Tuesday 9:30 to 10:30am
10:30 to 11:30am
Friday 9:30 to 10:30am
Cost: $4.60 per child per session, plus a $6.50 registration charge per child per term
Estimated total per term: $52.50
This gym is cheaper than other preschool gyms, but it is not in a central area to most people living in Tea Tree Gully.
Suggested age: 0-5 Years
Turramurra Junior-Gym
1000 Lower North East Road
Highbury 83977433
Sessions:
Tuesday 9:30 to 10:30am
10:30 to 11:30am
Friday 9:30 to 10:30am
Cost: $4.60 per child per session, plus a $6.50 registration charge per child per term
Estimated total per term: $52.50
This gym is cheaper than other preschool gyms, but it is not in a central area to most people living in Tea Tree Gully.
Australian Culture
As a nation we are changing. Culturally we are losing an identity and creating another. "Australian" no longer means a Hills Hoist and a BBQ. It means McD0nalds, shopping centres and BMWs.
I am a big fan of holding onto our past culture. I feel that if we completely let go of ourselves, our wildlife and heritage, then we lose who we are. But who we really are, is who we are now, not who we were then. But sometimes then is better. I think we were gentler then. We lived in community. We had faith, beliefs and convictions, not discount dockets and catalogues. There is nothing wrong with making purchases and investing - we can make ethical purchases and invest ethically. We can move slower again, talk to people again - treat others as if their life story is something to be respected, valued and protected, not something to fill in the time while you wait for a return SMS. We can look people in the eye and respect them. We can grow up again and be adults. Our future is a nation of adolescents who turn 25 but never mature. What is their identity? Where do they learn it? Oh, Lord, I pray for Isaac, I really do. Define him Lord, give him something secure to hold onto. Forgive us for all the stuff that clutters our lives and hearts. It's getting hotter and we need to adapt as our world changes. But we can still cherish and nourish the little seeds of love and community that are growing in our hearts. They just need to be watered with a healthy culture, a culture of love, acceptance, patience and slowness. Give us the guts to become a nation with identity Lord - remind us that we are not capitalism. Remind us that we are not a brand. Remind us that we are not bank accounts, or cars, or houses. We are living and breathing. We are the earth, the sky, the wind, the scent of flowers, the warmth of sun on our skin and sweat on our feet. We are breathing and living - open our eyes from blindness, Lord, we have forgotten who we are. We are not inanimate. We are community. We can heal.
I am a big fan of holding onto our past culture. I feel that if we completely let go of ourselves, our wildlife and heritage, then we lose who we are. But who we really are, is who we are now, not who we were then. But sometimes then is better. I think we were gentler then. We lived in community. We had faith, beliefs and convictions, not discount dockets and catalogues. There is nothing wrong with making purchases and investing - we can make ethical purchases and invest ethically. We can move slower again, talk to people again - treat others as if their life story is something to be respected, valued and protected, not something to fill in the time while you wait for a return SMS. We can look people in the eye and respect them. We can grow up again and be adults. Our future is a nation of adolescents who turn 25 but never mature. What is their identity? Where do they learn it? Oh, Lord, I pray for Isaac, I really do. Define him Lord, give him something secure to hold onto. Forgive us for all the stuff that clutters our lives and hearts. It's getting hotter and we need to adapt as our world changes. But we can still cherish and nourish the little seeds of love and community that are growing in our hearts. They just need to be watered with a healthy culture, a culture of love, acceptance, patience and slowness. Give us the guts to become a nation with identity Lord - remind us that we are not capitalism. Remind us that we are not a brand. Remind us that we are not bank accounts, or cars, or houses. We are living and breathing. We are the earth, the sky, the wind, the scent of flowers, the warmth of sun on our skin and sweat on our feet. We are breathing and living - open our eyes from blindness, Lord, we have forgotten who we are. We are not inanimate. We are community. We can heal.
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