Learning to Stand Up

"I'm still learning to stand up for my family and what is right for me. On a message board today someone said this:

"I felt it was my responsibility to manage her emotions and her happiness. But you know what? It's not."

This is huge for me. I just need to tell myself this over and over!

And this is awesome:

"You are an adult and a mother. You aren't being arbitrarily cruel or mean. Your mom seems to want to make you feel like you are, but you aren't. Put your foot down firmly. You don't have to be angry. You don't have to get nasty. You just have to state - No. Baby is ready for bed and this isn't the time for cuddles. And then stop talking. You don't have to explain or justify or rationalize. At some other non-emotionally charged time (which will become emotionally charged ) you calmly state that holding the baby after smoking will not be done. She will get upset. You will acknowledge that she is upset and reiterate that holding the baby after smoking will not be done. Ask her if she is interested in your reasoning. If not, drop it. It actually doesn't matter at all why. You want to do her the courtesy of explaining, but if she doesn't want to know or doesn't care, fine.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to keep her happy and using tons of words to get her to agree with you. She doesn't have to agree. She doesn't have to like it. She CAN be mad. It is Ok and not the end of the world. Trust me on this.

At the end of the day, you deal with the fact that your child is having respiratory issues b/c you didn't hold firm to healthy boundaries. You deal with the fact that X happened b/c you didn't hold firm to Y boundary. Whatever X and Y are.

And setting your boundaries and sticking to them will get easier. It will. Practice. Practice. Practice. "
Mine's the exact same way. And this will be crass, and crude and hard, but it's time to grow a pair - and I mean that with love. 

Over Christmas mine was talking very badly about others using very harsh language. I simply said "Alright, that's enough about that" in a very easy-going, joking tone. To which she replied "Fine then. I just won't be here when you come over. I'll just never see my grand daughter since you don't want her around me." Because it was my fault that she was carrying on vulgarly around my little girl who is learning new words constantly. Yup, that's totally my fault.

Even with coming over - I requested that she not drink or smoke in our house/on our porch for dd's birthday party (I think that's a reasonable request). She promptly told me I needed to buy her a chair and put it out by the road so she could or she wouldn't come even though she feels so targeted. The stories could go on and on.

You gotta own your place in being a momma, momma! If you don't show her you're not going to budge, she'll keep pushing, I promise."


All of this is awesome advice!