Separation Anxiety

I took Isaac with me to the gym today but it didn't go so well.

I started telling myself negative thoughts when I realised that I forgot to pack his nappies. Then, when I was on the treadmill I realised that I hadn't brought my drink bottle or my cloth into the gym with me - that they were in the bag in the creche. How could I forget those things? We have been out of our normal routine in regards to going to the gym, but it really put a low spin on me, and I started comparing myself to the other mums that were there, even though I know this won't help me! The only person who is like me, is me, so comparing myself to others won't do me any good.

Anyway, I finished going on the treadmill, and I just felt flat. I went upstairs to use the ladies gym, and I just felt so lethargic, like I couldn't be bothered exercising, and I have these thoughts in my head at present that say 'What's the point? You know you aren't going to be able to lose weight anyway.' Of course this is mostly a lie, but I am simply remembering how hard I worked at losing weight a couple of years ago, and how I just kept putting the weight on instead.

So I left the workout area feeling disappointed in my fitness, and with a hopeless outlook, only to go back to the creche to find that Isaac had been upset the majority of the 45 minutes. As soon as I saw him I could tell that he was really emotionally distraught, and he was just sitting outside by himself next to the pram with a teddy. I couldn't believe I had let this happen to him. Common sense could have prevailed when I first left him, as his usual carers weren't there - we hadn't met these ladies before at all. And to top it off, I didn't have the guts to ask why they didn't come and get me if they couldn't settle him. Then I just felt really low, like all the work I have done in counseling, psychological sessions and improving my mental health has all been for nothing, because I couldn't even stick up for my own son after 10 years of therapy.

It was a real low point today, and I cried when I got home. I don't know what to do to help myself through this - the unfitness, overweight, lack of confidence and inability to be assertive, or to think of what to say. I've tried so hard to change myself and it feels like I am back at square one again.

I just want God to pour his living water over me, and help me to live again, like he did with the woman at the well who had 5 husbands! I am just like her, doing the same thing over and over, and getting nowhere. I need that living spring to well up deep inside of me to sustain me and refresh me anew. (See John 4)